User login
“Sarah, your son is doing very well. It looks like you are enjoying being a mother. Unless you are having trouble I won't be seeing you until Clay's 4-month visit. I know you said at the last visit that you had your day care plans in order. Are they still solid?”
“Well … Dr. Wilkoff, being a mother has been much more fun than I expected. It is going to be very hard for me to go back to work and leave Clay with someone else. I've enjoyed nursing and although the schedule that my boss has agreed to should allow me to keep nursing, I just don't want to look back a year or 2 from now and regret having missed this special time.
“I never guessed that it would be like this. I enjoy my job. I never ever considered not going back to it. Jason and I have talked and looked at the numbers. He says he's pretty sure we can make it on one income, and he thinks we should try it with me staying home. But I don't know. I'm worried we won't make it, and I don't want to have to ask our parents for help. What do you think, Dr. Wilkoff?”
I have stood at these crossroads that Sarah and Jason are facing dozens of times in my career. Usually, I am an interested, but mute bystander. But, every now and then I will be asked for my 2 cents.
Obviously, it's difficult to give advice without knowing the details of a young family's finances. Because in the end it is all about the money. Are they already living in a house with a mortgage that gobbles up too much of their incomes? Do they have other debt? Whose job is helping fund their health insurance?
But actually it isn't all about the money. It's about some important intangibles. How creative can this young couple be in cutting their expenses? Can they think far enough outside the box to get by with just one vehicle and no cable television? Will Jason have enough stamina to work more hours or find a part-time job? It sounds as though he is committed to the concept of Sarah's staying home. His positive attitude alone suggests to me that this experiment is going to work.
Will Sarah have the stamina after a full day of mothering to work a few hours in the evening a couple of hours a week? Can she accept a part-time job that is well beneath her training and experience?
Even if they can make the new numbers work, will Sarah find a peer group that will support her decision to stay home? Thirty years ago I wouldn't have thought to consider this question. But over the decades I have spoken to enough young mothers who have stayed home to hear that it can feel lonely at times without other women who share their perspective on the frustrations, fears, and successes of parenting.
If Sarah decides to quit her job and stay home, depending on her neighborhood, she will find herself in a small minority, maybe even alone. Will she find enough support to balance what she might perceive as a loss of status associated with stepping away from her career? I may be able to help by reminding her at each visit of the “firsts” she has witnessed by staying at home. And the control she has over things like Clay's sleep schedule and TV exposure.
So what did I tell Sarah today? First, I reminded her that past performance is no guarantee of success, but that whenever family members have shared with me their concerns about this kind of decision it has always worked out. It's not easy swimming against the societal norm, but I had a strong feeling that Sarah and Jason and Clay were going to make it work.
In the interest of gender equality, I must add that the arrangement can work well when the father is the parent who stays home.
“Sarah, your son is doing very well. It looks like you are enjoying being a mother. Unless you are having trouble I won't be seeing you until Clay's 4-month visit. I know you said at the last visit that you had your day care plans in order. Are they still solid?”
“Well … Dr. Wilkoff, being a mother has been much more fun than I expected. It is going to be very hard for me to go back to work and leave Clay with someone else. I've enjoyed nursing and although the schedule that my boss has agreed to should allow me to keep nursing, I just don't want to look back a year or 2 from now and regret having missed this special time.
“I never guessed that it would be like this. I enjoy my job. I never ever considered not going back to it. Jason and I have talked and looked at the numbers. He says he's pretty sure we can make it on one income, and he thinks we should try it with me staying home. But I don't know. I'm worried we won't make it, and I don't want to have to ask our parents for help. What do you think, Dr. Wilkoff?”
I have stood at these crossroads that Sarah and Jason are facing dozens of times in my career. Usually, I am an interested, but mute bystander. But, every now and then I will be asked for my 2 cents.
Obviously, it's difficult to give advice without knowing the details of a young family's finances. Because in the end it is all about the money. Are they already living in a house with a mortgage that gobbles up too much of their incomes? Do they have other debt? Whose job is helping fund their health insurance?
But actually it isn't all about the money. It's about some important intangibles. How creative can this young couple be in cutting their expenses? Can they think far enough outside the box to get by with just one vehicle and no cable television? Will Jason have enough stamina to work more hours or find a part-time job? It sounds as though he is committed to the concept of Sarah's staying home. His positive attitude alone suggests to me that this experiment is going to work.
Will Sarah have the stamina after a full day of mothering to work a few hours in the evening a couple of hours a week? Can she accept a part-time job that is well beneath her training and experience?
Even if they can make the new numbers work, will Sarah find a peer group that will support her decision to stay home? Thirty years ago I wouldn't have thought to consider this question. But over the decades I have spoken to enough young mothers who have stayed home to hear that it can feel lonely at times without other women who share their perspective on the frustrations, fears, and successes of parenting.
If Sarah decides to quit her job and stay home, depending on her neighborhood, she will find herself in a small minority, maybe even alone. Will she find enough support to balance what she might perceive as a loss of status associated with stepping away from her career? I may be able to help by reminding her at each visit of the “firsts” she has witnessed by staying at home. And the control she has over things like Clay's sleep schedule and TV exposure.
So what did I tell Sarah today? First, I reminded her that past performance is no guarantee of success, but that whenever family members have shared with me their concerns about this kind of decision it has always worked out. It's not easy swimming against the societal norm, but I had a strong feeling that Sarah and Jason and Clay were going to make it work.
In the interest of gender equality, I must add that the arrangement can work well when the father is the parent who stays home.
“Sarah, your son is doing very well. It looks like you are enjoying being a mother. Unless you are having trouble I won't be seeing you until Clay's 4-month visit. I know you said at the last visit that you had your day care plans in order. Are they still solid?”
“Well … Dr. Wilkoff, being a mother has been much more fun than I expected. It is going to be very hard for me to go back to work and leave Clay with someone else. I've enjoyed nursing and although the schedule that my boss has agreed to should allow me to keep nursing, I just don't want to look back a year or 2 from now and regret having missed this special time.
“I never guessed that it would be like this. I enjoy my job. I never ever considered not going back to it. Jason and I have talked and looked at the numbers. He says he's pretty sure we can make it on one income, and he thinks we should try it with me staying home. But I don't know. I'm worried we won't make it, and I don't want to have to ask our parents for help. What do you think, Dr. Wilkoff?”
I have stood at these crossroads that Sarah and Jason are facing dozens of times in my career. Usually, I am an interested, but mute bystander. But, every now and then I will be asked for my 2 cents.
Obviously, it's difficult to give advice without knowing the details of a young family's finances. Because in the end it is all about the money. Are they already living in a house with a mortgage that gobbles up too much of their incomes? Do they have other debt? Whose job is helping fund their health insurance?
But actually it isn't all about the money. It's about some important intangibles. How creative can this young couple be in cutting their expenses? Can they think far enough outside the box to get by with just one vehicle and no cable television? Will Jason have enough stamina to work more hours or find a part-time job? It sounds as though he is committed to the concept of Sarah's staying home. His positive attitude alone suggests to me that this experiment is going to work.
Will Sarah have the stamina after a full day of mothering to work a few hours in the evening a couple of hours a week? Can she accept a part-time job that is well beneath her training and experience?
Even if they can make the new numbers work, will Sarah find a peer group that will support her decision to stay home? Thirty years ago I wouldn't have thought to consider this question. But over the decades I have spoken to enough young mothers who have stayed home to hear that it can feel lonely at times without other women who share their perspective on the frustrations, fears, and successes of parenting.
If Sarah decides to quit her job and stay home, depending on her neighborhood, she will find herself in a small minority, maybe even alone. Will she find enough support to balance what she might perceive as a loss of status associated with stepping away from her career? I may be able to help by reminding her at each visit of the “firsts” she has witnessed by staying at home. And the control she has over things like Clay's sleep schedule and TV exposure.
So what did I tell Sarah today? First, I reminded her that past performance is no guarantee of success, but that whenever family members have shared with me their concerns about this kind of decision it has always worked out. It's not easy swimming against the societal norm, but I had a strong feeling that Sarah and Jason and Clay were going to make it work.
In the interest of gender equality, I must add that the arrangement can work well when the father is the parent who stays home.